2002-06-05 | 10:13 p.m.

I've gone from being smothered in black to drowning in blue. Let me explain. I've only had a few select pleasures to my life. Food, smokes, and good times. I've quit smoking now for a while. I hardly go out at all anymore and I'm on a diet for the past month. I've changed everything I enjoyed, taken everything away, and frankly I'm not enjoying myself anymore. I actually really hate myself right now. And part of me doesn't want to throw this shit out here, because it's very drama queen of me, but fuck it. Because I honestly feel as if I am slowly losing my sanity too.

I tell myself that I won't let these silly things break me, but when you've lost all the little pleasures in life what's left? What's the fucking use of me being skinny and healthy if I hate myself every time I look in the mirror? What's so great about being healthy when all you can think of and pray for is an early death? And that's so fucking selfish, I know, I know. But still the thoughts run through my mind. And I know it's so childish and stupid but I'm finding it very hard to find the strength to carry on. I cry all the time now. I'm not happy. And yet I have no fucking clue what will make me happy. For example, when I "cheat" on my diet and have a slice of pizza or something I become disgusted with myself and I don't even finish the slice. It's like it's now engrained in me. I haven't had dinner for the past 2 days and my lunches have been small and pathetic. And I pummel at my Buddha belly in disgust. I used to be a happy girl. I used to not care about what I looked because my character would always shine through. I don't even fucking know where my character has gone now.

And the little things that used to bring me great joy before, now do jack shit for me. It's about a week away before my birthday. I emailed 2 acquaintances asking them both if they knew of any location where to have a mellow time with friends. I got no feedback, and where I before used to get annoyed by that now I just don't give a toss. A friend called me and asked me what was going to happen on that Friday and I said if I was lucky I'd get hit by oncoming traffic that morning. Things fly out of my mouth before I have a chance to stop them. And I know what I said was wrong because that friend also lost the same 5 friends I did. And yet you know what? For a few moments I prayed for it to be true. And god that is so fucking STUPID!

I've had a headache for the past 2 weeks and a half. 2 weeks and a half people. That's a long ass time to have one. It's also my own private hell. I don't want to come into work, I don't want to deal with people. All I want to do is lay down with ice on my head and sleep. And yet when I do lay down to sleep I can't because I have stupid nightmares or thoughts running through my head.

I've been rubbed raw. I'm fed up. Stick a fork in my bulbous ass because I'm done.



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