2002-06-11 | 10:06 p.m.

I've failed in every other thing I've actually attempted to do. I don't say this light heartedly because I know I've failed myself to some degree. But fate has lead me to do what I have to do. I chase my dreams. I don't have the sense to realize that my feet need to be on the floor when I do so. And even though I know this, I know I will never give up because I want to believe that things will eventually work themselves out. I want to believe that there's hope in certain things. The deeper I submerge myself into the chaos the deeper the realization that I don't quite understand how to be now.

I've learned to pretend over the years to adapt to my situations. I change to somehow fit the person I'm with. Just recently I've broken out of that habit and as I see the shell of who I am before, broken around me I realize that no one really knows me. I spent all of my time changing and molding myself to fit someone's perspective of me, that now after I've decided not to do it anymore, people look at me as if I am mad. People have cut me off. People have let me go as "their friend". And honestly it saddened me in the beginning. But it make's me laugh now, because how high and mighty do we all think of ourselves? As if taking away someone's friendship from me really meant as much as they though it did. Are we children or adults?

I haven't seen the good times yet. I kid myself with distractions. I'm hoping that before I turn 26 I can let it go. Let it all go. I'm trying to never take it seriously because if I never take it seriously then I never get hurt, and if I never get hurt I'm just having a good time. So I guess one could say that that's my life motto. To never take it seriously, thus never getting hurt. I used to feel like a walker with no destination. I just walked and walked and walked but I never arrived anywhere. I know my life is like that, full of uncertainties, but I am trying to deal with just that.

My poor arms have gone from blood red orange to a nice lobster red. They are still stinging like crazy and if I knock anything close to them or someone touches them my eyes fill with unshed tears. Honestly I wish I had a rewind button because had I had one I would have brought a long sleeve t-shirt and a hoodie to the damn show. That and applied more sunscreen. But hey I don't, so I have to live with the mess I had landed myself in now.

If anyone wants a laugh head over to my blog where you can see now photos up and running. K and I had a go through Toy's R' Us to discover the things that are just so very wrong there. I'm sure had we given ourselves more time we would have found other stuff. Oh well, it's still a laugh. I'm seriously thinking that the cam will just have to come out with me more often. The photos are pointless I know, and yet still fun to take and fun to look at. So yeah, be prepared for more.

And that's that.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t