2002-06-17 | 1:48 p.m.

I think I need to be more independent and impulsive. I think I expect too much of people I associate myself with. Then again I also think that a lot of people I have associated with and those who I'm sure to meet in the future have a total lack of good manners and respect for their fellow person. I'm always shocked at the way some people have no qualms about walking all over you. I've discovered I have too much of a big heart and I allow people to shit on me all the time. I am tired of that happening. I have learned not to ask for more than what I have. I'm dependable, reliable, selfless, and devoted. Those have all, at some point, created drama in my life. Drama and hurt. Two things I am extremely tired of. I claimed that I was happy before. I'm not. I have to work at that because I refuse to stay this way. I cry a lot, sometimes for no reason. I don't have nightmares as often anymore. That's at least one good thing.

My dead friend once told me that he believed in previous lives. And I tell myself that if he was right, which he usually was, I must've done something really, really shitty in one of my past lives to warrant such disdain and loathing from myself and others in this one. And as much as I thought to myself that I was strong, I'm not. I was wrong. I tell myself that I am better, that I am smarter, and yet when something shitty happens I realize that no matter how cool I am the world is still filled with dumbasses. And sometimes I wish I could shove my boot up their dumbass, but more likely than ever I get shit upon. It's getting old. All these people that I know, and associate myself with, their acts are getting old. I see right through it all. And I'm tired. I'm tired of giving and people always taking. I'm tired of being the good friend when no one is the good friend to me. Which is why I have decided to put a stop to it all. I've come to a realization: I don't need them just as much as they don't need me.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t