2002-06-20 | 11:19 p.m.

I don't want to roll with it anymore. I want to break free and do something with myself. With my life. Have something substantial to point at and say, "yep that's what I've been doing with my life."

It's not that I hate my job. I don't. I even like going into work. That's a first for me. But I feel as if I am scratching at something inside of me begging to get out. I don't know how to go about it. I don't know how to pinpoint exactly what I need let alone what I want. How can you map out your course when you have no clue where you're going to?

Part of me think I should cut the umbilical cord and move out of my house. Move out of the comfort of mom and dad and older brother. But financially for me that's not even possible. I don't make enough to rent comfortably let alone reasonably and live. And I don't have such a crappy situation as to warrant to getting out of my house fast. My parents are cool people for their age. They let me come and go as I please. They give me love and help out when the going gets tough. So I have nothing to complain about. It's just that I feel as if I'm not really living anymore.

I look around and realize that I'm not living. And that can't be right. To not live. When I was younger I told myself I would always break the rules and to always live life hard. Because at any minute it can disappear. But I find myself shrinking back into dark corners and watching the world go by. My eyes wide open and watching the days go by. It's not normal. It's not healthy. And I wonder when I will change. When I will know what to change. When I will figure out how to actually live and not stop and stare.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t