2002-07-01 | 9:54 p.m.

I have to change my ways. Obviously I have felt the need to make myself better. The thing is that I can adapt, but inside I'm still me. I don't have a problem changing. I have a problem with people thinking I'm one thing when I know deep down inside I'm not.

Some people are skanky haters. Lately I've come across quite a few that have doubled me over with their nastiness. And what have I taken from it? Like lbug always says - they are haters! Haters because usually I'm happy to be me. I don't have a problem with who I am. I had this previous 'friend' who accused me of so many things when I questioned said friend why all the hostility when said friend was around me. The so called 'friend' went off. Literally spouted off vast amounts of bullshit. I was left awed. How can one person who seemed so normal turn into such a crazy hater? But this person did. And I was left sour. Because for a while I thought that maybe this person was right, till I realized that the person was indeed a hater and nutty to boot.

So I've stopped questioning myself. If people don't like me then back the fuck up and leave me alone. Thankfully I've cut myself off. I tried to be diplomatic on my birthday and I invited a bunch of crazy people to my mellow night that turned into my 16 Candles moment. It back fired on me because no one showed up. I was hurting because of that. It made me feel like shit. But then I realized one thing. Too bad for them. Because sooner or later there hate is going to come back and bite them on the ass. What goes around comes around. And maybe having a shitty birthday this year was my retribution for whatever bad karma I had put out into the world. but you know what? Fuck it. There's nothing else I can do now. What I can do is change. And make sure to care about myself first, because no one else will do that if I don't. So I've decided that the best I can do is not to quit. Because I was thinking of doing just so. I won't now. I'll play the hand I've been given and adapt, because I've always adapted.

In my quest to jumpstart what I want out of myself and of my life I did an overhaul yesterday. I picked up a few trash bags and filled them to the brim with clutter that had pilled up on my shelves and desk. Magazine's were thrown out. And books are all in a bag to be taken down to Strands when I get the chance so that I can get some buck for them. And some other stuff I've sold on Ebay already.

I'm trying to clean my place up, perhaps I'll slap on a few coats of red paint on one of my walls. I just need the change. I need to make sure that what I do from now on is for me and not for anyone else. Because it's me that matters in the end and not anyone else.

So things are starting to evolve in the way I want them too. I'm getting back on that diet again, making sure to watch what I eat and try to maintain the fatty foods to a low level. I'm also going to have to make sure I walk more. It was totally understandable that I didn't want to do shit this past week, especially since I was surfing the crimson wave. But now that it's almost over I need to start walking again. And the warm weather has begun so I'm sure nothing will be better than a brisk walk home with some good music pumping out of my earphones. It'll be good for my soul too as I can people watch and daydream a little.

Things are going to get better, except this time I won't wish for them any more. What I'll actually do is attain my wishes for myself. I'm going to seize this moment in time and do whatever the hell I want. And I won't let haters stop me anymore. In life there will always be someone who will hate you, but you know what? I'm not going to let that bring me down anymore. I'm going to remain strong, passionate, and silly. And let the haters be damned!



p r e v i o u s // n e x t