2002-07-04 | 2:26 p.m.

I breathe in deep, wondering when I became so good at lying. Conceding defeat tonight, I crawled into bed beside my baby pillow, curling up to it in an effort to get warm on the outside. The inside, however, is a different story.

I'm dying. I'm slowly suffocating myself. Forcing myself to be someone else and telling myself I'm happy. That this is what I want. But it's not. I don't know what I want. I just know that whatever it may be is not what I have now. And that's a hard place to be at. Because I don't know which way to move. Initially I thought I'd just snap out of it. I haven't. The heat doesn't help either. I feel as if my vision has fogged up from the humidity. And I wander around aimlessly right now. Just going through the motions.

I went out last night for two drinks. E came to pick me up in the car he had rented for the holiday weekend. We drove not knowing where to go, stopping for gas then stopping at a small Brazilian place for caipirinhas. We had one and left. Stopped at another establishment and had a beer. By then I was tired and ready to go home. I felt the humidity stick to me, infusing my skin with heat that it didn't want. It had been a nice moment, us two laughing and joking for a bit but I came home after two drinks ready to fall into bed. I had thankfully forgotten to turn off my ac so when I came into my room it was cold and delicious. Unfortunately it still took a while for me to go to sleep. I kept tossing and turning because my body was hot and I still felt warm within the cold room. Eventually I fell asleep.

Today is the 4th of July. People are celebrating with barbecues or outings. I won't be doing anything. Or at least I haven't planned to be doing anything. I have no barbecue to go to and no family outing planned. Truthfully I wouldn't want to do either. Staying in my room and laying in bed is good enough for me. I might go see a movie later on if the movie theatre's are open, but that's the extent of it. I don't want to walk around in this stiflingly hot weather and I have work tomorrow so it's not like I want to party hard either. Not that I'd have a chance to do so even if I wanted to. I don't really mind though, I'd much rather stay at home and try to relax rather than being out and about.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t