2002-07-09 | 12:49 p.m.

At home today, after having to deal with something stressful I am finally ok. Well not ok but a bit better than what I was before. It's nice to be able to have a cool boss who understands and is there for me if I need to be out for a day. Thankfully I can finally take a deep breathe now and know it'll be ok. I can deal with what may come because it will be ok.

In the past I have felt manipulated, overemotional, and far too sensitive for my own good. So in order for me to feel better I decided on a few things. First of all I recognized that these traits were probably the reason I felt so much pain and confusion. So, I made the decision to become somewhat cold and independent of other 'friends'. Quite frankly I think I attached myself far too much to other people. I hated being clingy towards other people in regards to my happiness. I shouldn't seek happiness from another person, I should create it within myself. Which is what I've done. What I've now come to realize is that a lot of the people I used to hang out with always wanted something of me and when they started to see me for me they didn't like it.

My 5 year friendship with A is a great example of what I mean. We weren't ever tight. But we were friends and we hung out a lot. I grew to know her other friends and thought of them as my friends too. Which was fine. I was always cool with her because I never stated much of my opinion. I went with her flow and never stood out from the crowd and stated my own opinion. Ergo when I did start doing just that she grew 'offended' by my actions. Which was her right to do so. Apparently my honest opinions didn't matter unless they weren't exactly like hers. Which is fine for her, but not fine for me. So we grew apart and eventually ended the friendship in nasty terms. Then again I tried my best to be the bigger one in the friendship by saying - "sure we have differences but we should be able to work them out and rise above that". Clearly that wasn't negotiable or acceptable so we parted ways. In the short time apart I've lost out on friendships with the group of other people I called friends that associated with her. The only friend I've kept from the group is K, and I think only because we're similar in nature and we like each other in general. We're silly and normal in the same ways.

But I've changed. I've gone from being clingy with people to letting them call me. And if some friendships falter and go away it's not because of me, it's because friendships are supposed to be 50/50 give and take and not just me giving. I've grown weary of saying yes to everything, when deep down inside there were always some no's in there. I've moved on from other's who've told me they've moved on from me. I hope and wish nothing but the best for them but I realize now how wrong they were for me to be associated with. People look at you also by the people you surround yourself with. And if your surrounding yourself with flakes, crazy peep's, superficial peep's and peep's who do drugs it's not a pretty picture. I can't remember how many times I've been around people I just didn't want to be around and still stood around them thinking things will eventually get better. It never did until I stepped out of those circles. I'm not judging anyone, to each their own, but I've realized that in the NYC madness I need some real down to earth people around me and not chaos. It's fun for once in a while but surrounding myself continuously is never good. My mom always used to talk of moderation and I'm beginning to understand what she finally meant when she used to tell me that as a kid. Granted it was always in regards to sweets and candies but I can see how some people can be bad for me even though I think they're good. It comes down to moderation and I'm finally beginning to get the hang of it.

I'm self absorbed and vain and so much more. But I have soul. And I underestimated mine. Which is why I am beginning to come into my own now. It's weird because I keep feeling as if I misplaced myself, or I'm misplacing stuff. But the truth is I haven't. Maybe I had in the past before but now it feels sketchy and yet right. Like I need to do what I have to do because yeah it's a bit of a challenge being alone now and yet I haven't forgotten the sting I felt inside when things started to change, but its better. And it will grow to become even better. Or I can only hope it will. And it's funny and strange when things start to shift and move into different directions. It was all so unexpected and I felt so alone and so hurt at times. But I told myself that I wouldn't walk away, licking my wounds like a coward dog, accepting whatever was already the flow. I told myself that I had to fight and keep on fighting. And so the sadness left eventually and I'm still here and being me and not forgiving others when they step on my toes or not opening my mouth when I should to state what I feel, or see, or think. It's better - even with this change in my life.

I may be alone but I'm happy with my simple things.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t