2002-07-19 | 10:30 p.m.

I think I don't deal well with people. I'm too trusting. I believe in everything everyone tells me. Sometimes I don't even trust myself. I question who I am based on others. That's fucked up. And I have to stop doing that. Because I know who I am and I know I sure as hell don't need some stupid wankers telling me different.

I have been in a sad little funk too. The lack of not going out at night makes me want to shake my fist to the gods. I curse myself for coming back home and not having somewhere to go out after. I see people walking out of their homes dolled up. I pass bars filled to the brim with happy hour people. And I begin to question people of the past. In having let go of so many. But then I tell myself that I'm better of forgotten by them too, rather than holding onto some stupid ideal of these people when they really are the sad ones. I may be home for far too many weekends but at least I know I'm not like them. And quite frankly karma is going to come around and get them and they will be jealous because they can't be me or have me as a friend.

Recently I was told that everyone always tries to damper the one's with the most passion and spirit. People hate others because they see things in those people that sometimes they wish they had. I have a great family, filled with unconditional loving and open communication, I can be filled with mirth over silly things, I am passionate and a lover. And there are far too many people out there who are haters when it comes to people like me. So I'm not going to fret about this shit anymore. I'm not going to worry about the haters. I don't have to answer to any of them, and unlike them I am happy being me. At least now I know I am. Nothing like a swift kick in the pants to make you see who you really are and take a good look around you at all the losers who fought you while you were down. I couldn't see before but I'm sure as hell not blind anymore. I took off the rose tinted glasses to realize that some people aren't worth my time and the one's that are, won't treat me like the one's of the past. It's a tough lesson to learn, but it's good I did so now.

I watched Halloween after work with Kim. Totally predictable and I knew it going in. Still it didn't matter, I screamed like a little bitch at all the so called scary parts. Kim kept laughing at me. I didn't mind though. I mean I know for a fact there are only 2 stupid things that really scare me. Halloween movies & Jaws movies. Yeah they are totally predictable and cheesy but hi! I'm terrified of both. When the movie ended we stopped into the Hello Kitty store and oohed and ahhed at a bunch of things. Clearly we both realize that it's about time we get rich. The novelty of working to pay bills has so worn off now. And a couple more things...Hello Kitty needs to stop whoring herself out there. She's on everything and not only is it stuff one could use on a daily basis but also it's damn friggen cute. (It also doesn't help that Kim & I are so Sanrio's bizatches.) I'm quite surprised though, because I walked out of that store without making any big purchases, like I usually do, I only bought some note paper and that cost me a buck and some change.

After parting ways at the subway station I walked home under my red umbrella trying to dodge other people walking with their umbrellas. It wasn't pretty and the heat that wafted around me didn't aid in the situation. It also didn't help that I was dying to pee. By the time I was a few blocks away from home I just ran them. I couldn't see straight without wanting to pee. And when I did damn it felt good. I know I sound crazy but when you've been holding it in for a while and you finally are able to pee it's a damn good thing.

Clearly I'm babbling. I'm talking about pee for cristsake! I'll shut up now. It's getting late and I'm tired. Oh and you can bet your ass that I'm lame enough to sleep with a night light on tonight. But hey you know what? I don't care.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t