2002-07-22 | 8:50 p.m.

Life can be predictable if you let it happen. If you step out of your normal day to day, it becomes a path filled with wonder and unpredictability. I'm constantly amazed at the new things I am learning alone now. It's like, ok it felt bad in the beginning but now it's not so bad after all. I seem to really be enjoying not caring. It suits me well.

I had a nice weekend. Very relaxing with not much going on. I'm pretty sure the most eventful thing I did this weekend was going to the movies after work with Kim on Friday. It's not like I was planning to party hardcore, I wasn't. In fact I'd shock myself if I was. I wanted nothing more but sleep, sleep, and more sleep. Which is what I got. Unfortunately now it's Monday and it seems as if even though I've gotten oodles of sleep I'd still rather have some more of it. I suppose it's because this week is my long week. Thus I will have to be at work at 7 am and stay till 6pm. That's always tough for me. I feel as if I'm being caged inside and not let out to see the sun outside on those weeks. But it does pay off because on these Friday's I don't have work. And since it's only during the summer I can afford to wake up early and be at work early if it means I get a few glorious Fridays thrown in there for me to do absolutely nothing.

Walking to work today I crossed Times Square and there were hardly any people around. Another bonus for getting to work early. Times Square is still pretty dead early on. It only starts pumping up at about 8am. So it's nice to be actually able to walk through it without having to dodge one thousand and one tourists. I know I live and work in a great city ergo why so many tourists are around in the summer but sometimes I literally feel as if I should be allowed to buzz them with an electric cow prodder to keep them moving. It's not like I'd hurt them, I'd just jolt them into walking faster. Of course I'm sure that it would get dirty and there would be a lot of other New Yorkers who would be trigger happy with the electric cow prodder. So I'd doubt it would really work, because you know there's always going to be someone to screw it up for everyone else, but hey a girl can dream.

I got the 'hey mami' doorman at my work's building again this morning. That guy just really peeves me for some reason. I think it's the way he says 'hey mami'. I'm sure he is trying to be kind but it only reminds me of guys trying to be slick and it grates on my nerves. I'm always nice but one of these days I feel like I may go off a little on him and tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine. Which is probably why I bite my lip and just smile as I quickly push the elevator button up to my floor. It's just that most of the times I roll my eyes when the door closes and say to myself 'ewww' and I'd really like not to have to do that on the days I come into work early. It's a bit frustrating but I'll live.

Every time I look at my finances I want to cry. I feel as if all of it in general is trying to break me down, bit by bit. And every time I think I am taming the situation a gust of wind blows and everything is up in the air again. I'm fed up with it all. I would love to be that guy in Office Space who was like: 'I'm fed up with paying bills.I'm just not going to do it anymore.' Obviously life ain't like the movies. Had it been, I'd be married to Robert Downey Jr. in a lovely Manhattan loft and sexing him up right now. But there is such a thing as family in my life. One that loves and supports me unconditionally. They know my debt misery, they see me trying to pay it off every month and chance I can get. And usually I am quiet about it, thus I eliminated like $5,000 of my debt already. But a big chunk is still there.

So in desperation I asked my brother for a loan. Rather than having to pay a debt consolidation program every month (where they charged me up for shit too) I begged him for a loan. Apparently he isn't willing to doll out the cash. As I thought he might, being that I am desperate and he knows I would still be paying him rather than a debt consolidation program. Plus hi he has the buck to help out if he wanted to. He doesn't. But I guess I can understand (in some strange way) how he doesn't want to help me out of my mess and wants me to do it on my own. It's kinda shitty because he has the potential to help me out but doesn't want to. But that's ok I'll get out of my own mess on my own as I'm doing so. Mr. Fancy Pants won't have to friggen lift a finger. So I'm back to working at the debt. Which sucks. In a nutshell its all I can think about and its driving me insane.

But hey good to know that whenever he needs something from me I am going to really think about it rather than automatically saying yes. Clearly he doesn't want to lift his finger to help out his kid sister. Which is fine. He can do that if he wants. I just hope he doesn't come looking to me for favors either because I'm not going to help him out anymore. To each his own apparently. It's just bogus to me though. I mean it's not like I'm asking him for cash and then sayonara. I live in the bedroom right next to him. I'd be paying him every month rather than the consolidation place. I mean he wouldn't be losing money. He'd be getting it back. And yet - no can do. Oh well. I guess it shows how uptight he is with his money. Then again had I not spent my non existent money with all those credit cards like I did I wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. But fuck it. I'm paying it off slowly and surely. It sucks to be in this position but the more I stay this way the quicker the debt gets paid off thus eliminating mine completely and allowing for me to actually dump the weight off my shoulders that I've been carrying since the beginning of this whole mess. At least I've learnt my lesson. I can say that.

My head hurts. I think it's the weather. The heat and humidity don't help me in any way when I walk home. I should have a driver and a sugar daddy by now. I need to get cracking on that. The whole novelty for working to pay bills has completely worn off for me. I need to find myself a sugar daddy who doesn't want any sex but likes my company. Is there such a thing? I may put out an ad in newspapers soon. (Jokes people, jokes!)

And so ends another day...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t