2002-07-23 | 10:57 p.m.

God when did NYC turn into Hades? What's up with the fire of ten thousand suns weather? And the humidity...feh. Stick a fork in me, I am done. My skin felt sticky and the air conditioning was a blessing as it hit my skin. But still, moving around in this weather is disgusting. The novelty of summer has completely left me. Fall, please come quick!

I was discussing my money misery last time and I think if I can scrimp and save till the 14th of August then I will be ok. I'll be able to relax a bit and do stuff like go see a movie or have drinks out at night on a weekend or something. But till then I'm po'ass broke and saving big time.

Work was hellish today. It started out nice and mellow and gradually turned into chaos. It ceases to amaze me how that can happen within a blink of an eye. I like my job but today I kept thinking a lot about my life. About what I'm doing now. About what I'm not doing. And you know, I carry my scars deep inside and they determine how I live. I know this now. Sometimes I realize that I push things away. Goals. I'm so scared of attaining them that I push them away. I create a gulf of my making. You know I like my job. I really like it compared to everything that I've done in the past. It pays the bills and I don't have to deal with that many assholes. But like I said it's one of those jobs that just pays the bills. It's not like I'm making any difference there. Let's face it a trained chimp could probably do what I do. And yet I stay. I don't break out because this is the barrier that I need in place to keep going in other areas. The job holds me together on the outside so that on the inside I can function. On the inside I don't live in a world filled with bills and deadlines. I just let my creativity flow in one way or another. Whatever makes me happy. On the outside, I do what I have to do to just stay afloat. Why do I do this? Why am I this way? It's not so much fear of change. I've adapted to change all my life. I just want to change with a clean slate. I want to wipe this slate of mine clean and take away all it's spots and/or water marks before I move. And I can't do that with all the tethers of the world on the outside bringing my inside world down. And it sucks. Because quite honestly I've learned from my mistakes. But life isn't as easy as it should be. I can't wish for everything to go away. It won't. I just have to work with what I can, and with the rest, well maybe with the rest I can find a good way to smooth out the rough edges. Maybe then I'll find some sort of balance, or peace that I long for now.

And with that I am off to bed because tomorrow is another day.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t