2002-07-29 | 11:09 p.m.

Love doesn't end because we don't see the one's we love each day. I'd rather not have that been so, but it is. Unfortunately Lady Fate has taken me down a path I cannot retreat from. Life is funny like that, it takes you where you don't want it to, but you stick with that path because you don't know what may lie ahead. And in the end, maybe it will bring you something you crave or desire. And I know I have tempted fate and fate had accepted thus leaving me now in a desert of my own making. I feel empty, and am awaiting for something to fill me. And I hate myself for feeling this way. The lone wolf who always believed she needed no one. Always willing to go at it alone because she never believed she could go at it with anyone else. And now, here I am, looking around and realizing that being a lone wolf is not all it's cut out to be. Sure I can get a great seat at the movies, and yeah I never seem to clash with anyone else when I go out because I'm flying solo. But I'm getting weary of all my single choices.

I'm 26 years old. Shouldn't I be preparing to get married or have a baby by now? I guess I may just not be cut out for whatever cookie cutter life I had imagined for me now. But if not that life then what life should I be leading? I work hard and don't seem to play as much as I used to. I've cut myself away from social circles that were bullshit and now the calendar is light. Much lighter than I wish it were. I don't expect to resume the party hard lifestyle of before because it was all so presumptuous and silly. But I am also in limbo, not knowing where I may land. I don't like feeling like this. At the age I am now in my cousins were having kids and happily married. Hell people I know are having kids and they're younger than I am. And part of me knows, deep in my heart, that I can barely take care of myself let alone a child. And so I wonder where will I land? And when? I feel like I am always on my own for a reason except I don't know the reason and I'm getting tired of waiting around for it to appear. I always feel like I'm a girl interrupted.

The heat in this city today makes me completely submissive. Every time I walked outside I felt as if I were wilting. I'm not made to withstand this heat. My body starts to wig out. I get cranky and I feel as if I'm slowly depleting myself of energy and brain function capability. I keep drinking lots of fluids and I try to stay cool but it's a hard task to do when every where you seem to be is hot as hell.

I got a fancy shmancy wallet today. It's very lady like and I'm surprised I actually have it. Who would have thought I'd be toting a real Louis Vuitton wallet? But I am and I will cherish it every time I pull it out. You know all the stuff I carry is small. Small wallet now, small cellphone, small palm pilot, but my bags tend to be big big big. That just seems weird to me, and eventually I hope to correct that. Not that I want to carry a mini bag or anything but one that doesn't look like I'm carrying a dead body in it would be kinda good.

I'm done for the day. Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t