2002-08-05 | 11:37 p.m.

"Some say life will beat you down, break your heart, steal your crown. So I started out for God knows where; I guess I'll know when I get there."

~ Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Lately I've been wondering about just getting out there and dating. It sounds super cheesy, I know. But maybe I should. Lately I find that I make myself happy with materialistic shiny things. And that's wrong, or it just seems wrong. And so maybe I should start dating. But I don't even want to and I wouldn't even know where to start if I did. It's a do or die type of situation. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I think that it all just scares me too much. I mean I joke around all the time but sometimes when it comes down to it I think I am so unprepared for any sort of romantic relationship that I don't even want to get myself into it at all. Easier if I don't except I damned myself by not going there because I end up alone. On one hand, I would like someone to be with, on the other, I'm so selfish right now with myself that I wouldn't anyone around. And I know that I should deal with that and yet I don't want to. I'd rather settle for the shiny stuff. Does that even make sense? I don't want to be vulnerable and have someone come trample all over my heart. I don't want to love someone when they probably don't give two shits about me. I just don't like myself that open at all. And you know its easier to bear the brunt of your shit rather than trying to deal with someone else's. Or at least that's how I justify my claims to myself. And you know being reminded of stuff like that all the time doesn't make it easier. When my mother asks me about boyfriends - like when is she going to meet any of mine it just brings the whole thing up to the light once again. It's like back off it'll happen when it happens. And I told her that, and yet sometimes I know it's in the back of her head. And just going out and meeting people isn't that easy. You'd think it would be in a city this big but it's not. When you live in a city this big sometimes you crave nothing but alone time and you know going out after you've dealt with crap work just doesn't make you feel like socializing with anyone, let alone try and be cute with any guy. Urghhh. This all just sucks. So I'll shut up about it.

I'm annoyed with certain situations at work, but I can't really talk about them openly because like a dysfunctional family everyone has gotten themselves into little cliques therefore trying to get my point across would only be taken as some sort of angry criticism. Which really sucks but then again work can't always be a bowl of cherries. So the issue is that we apparently have a dress code which is casual professional. Which is great, but most people scam their way into wearing whatever they wear, and they're are some people who wear what they wear when they shouldn't be. I mean know your body limitations for god's sake! So anyways people have been scamming that rule and wearing like flip flops into work, sneakers, jeans...etc. Usually I wouldn't pipe up but if I'm wearing clothes that stick to the rules I don't see why others can't. Also the whole Friday off thing during the summer months. It's a great thing. It's an added bonus, so no one can really complain when they want to. It seems as if certain people are scamming that also big time. And while 4 people out of the group are appalled it's not like we can say anything about it because it would be taken away from us and we would be biting the hand that gave us the bonus to begin with. It's frustrating because I along with a select few follow the rules and the other's just break them whenever the fuck they want to. And that has go to stop or pretty soon I will have to think about going postal and start bitchslapping people who seriously scam the damn friggen rules I am following.

I'm going to sleep and hopefully by tomorrow the cramps that have kicked in since this morning will be gone.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t