2002-08-11 | 12:17 p.m.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel ok one moment and then sad the next. I'm barely ok when I am ok. And at the core I know that I'm overwhelmingly sad.

There's something fundamentally broken and missing in me. I tell myself that I'm funny and I have a great sense of humor and I laugh all the time, and I know deep down inside that it's all a facade. I laugh because I hide the tears, I'm funny because I don't want to show others I'm sad. It's all one giant shell, and one of these days I'm going to fall and it will shatter. I place band aids over every wound I have making a mental note to deal with them later. I never deal with them. They just stay there, covered in band aids. And I realize I can't live my life like this anymore. I can't keep letting this hurt thrash inside of me. I have my limits and I've reached them...

My financial situation. I love money and I hate it. It's a catch 22. You need it but it can also fuck you over. I have cut expenses to a minimum. There is no need for me to waste money like I am doing so. I am also going to put $5 out of my paycheck every week in a savings account. Some money saved is better than not having anything. And every month I intend to chip away at the credit card bills that have a smaller amount than the bigger ones I do have. I usually pay once a month a debt consolidation program. And I intend to keep doing that, but along with that I am going to try and chip away at the smaller bills too. Like I have a bill that's $480. I can take care of that and that's one less card to be in the debt consolidation program. So I intend to chip away at it, bit by bit. The more I do the quicker the debt will fade away. I refuse to let my finances fuck me over anymore. I refuse to let my money situation make me cry every night and make me want to kill myself. It's money, things will smooth over eventually. This process is shitty but like everything in life it will go away eventually. It will pass and I will be debt free once again.

My lack of relationship/love situation. I have always believed in the fact that one day it will happen. That my prince will come. It's a sad and sappy thing to believe in. I have never looked for love because I have always believed it would find me. But not having a relationship and/or company/sex for the past 5 to 6 years is ridiculous. It's not a drought anymore, it's a desert. And I think my problem in regards to this is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I get into any situation like that I'd be giving the other person control over me, and I'd be letting him into a part of my life I'm not sure I'm prepared to give up. And maybe I don't have to give up anything. Maybe when you love someone and let them into your heart, you're not losing anything...you're just gaining everything. And yeah it seems simple but there's nothing simple about falling in love with someone. It's messy and difficult and scary and it takes a lot of work, but maybe it's also the most exhilarating and satisfying experience a person can ever have. (Ok I'm being dramatic.) But still maybe the key for me is to allow myself to take that first step and to let myself be vulnerable. Because not everyone is going to hurt me. So I'm going to try to stop shielding myself and let stuff happen. And who knows, maybe I will find that special someone.

Work. I see no problems with work. Sure I'm not raking in the big bucks but I'm making enough money to pay the bills. So I'm not bitching and whining about it. And yeah sometimes co-workers need to go fuck themselves but they're not friends, they're just co-workers.

Friends. Ha! Friends come and go. Only the true one's remain. And from the looks of it there aren't many sticking around. I can probably count them all on one hand. Which is fine, I've always been better alone than with a group of people. Plus I've let go of the flakes, psycho's, and fucked up friends. So from here on in I'm hoping no drama or stress from them. And hopefully it can only get better from here on in because I let go and cut those people out of my life.

I think that's about it. Yeah, it is. And I'm done.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t