2002-08-19 | 7:45 a.m.

It's when I stop having the dream and wake up that the real nightmare begins. The hopelessness, the grief of reality becomes too much. I've lost people I trusted. I feel as if a part of me died with them. There is emptiness inside of me now, a void that they filled with their fierce spirit and love. And I wonder, as I'm sure others wonder, when will it begin to start to feel better or even ok? I imagine that one day I will wake up and it won't hurt that much. That the pain won't feel like a gaping hole inside. And I realize that I may be no bigger than a grain of sand on the shores of the universe, no more important than a star in the heavens, but I control my fate. And I can't give up on myself. I am here because I am here. So I have to carry on and believe. Believe that I will continue and be strong and laugh again and mean it. Because I am here and I will fight for myself. I will not fade away anymore. I will fight. I keep telling myself that, like some sort of mantra. I just have to start to believe in it.

Moving along...

My work week starting today is the short week but long hours. If that makes any sense. Good news is that this Friday coming up I won't have work. Bad news is that it's my last Friday off. The whole one Friday I'm on the other I'm not is done after this week. It was a testing summer schedule that I think went well apart from one or two people who dicked over the system big time. As usual there's always one person willing to fuck it up for everyone else.

I did a little shopping yesterday. I picked up a few items that were on sale and I came home with a small smile on my face. It's nice to find things that look good on me. It's also nice to find them on sale. (Love that.) I now am the proud owner of two corduroy skirts. One in camel and one in dark brown. So so pretty. They're A-line and fall just to my knees with a split in front like a vent. Just like my denim skirt which I love. So all in all a great purchase.

Begin rant...

I am so sick of Jake Gyllenhall. I thought I wouldn't even start up on this but dear lord every friggen where I turn my head there he is. In a magazine, on a commercial, on TV. For christ's sake can't he just go away? And while he's at it can he take Tobey McGuire with him? Both of them are so vile that I'd rather stick forks in my eyes than see anymore of their crap. It's revolting really, how they're pretty much every where I look. Yesterday I opened up a fluff magazine and there he was splayed out like some poor frustrated married woman's fantasy and I almost tried not to vomit. I had to quickly close the magazine and avert my eyes to my X Files colander just to try to regain composure. Seriously now! It's gone too far. He needs to go away - and go away now!

End rant...

By the looks of it this morning as I walked to work it�s going to be another hot one. Just what I need, a scorching hot day. On a Monday no less. Urgh. I heard it was supposed to cool off during the weekend but because the weather people know shit it�s still hot and humid today. Here�s hoping the weather breaks tonight so that tomorrow morning when I wake up it�s hella cooler.

The only good news about me coming in at the buttcrack of dawn is that by now, a little bit before 8 A.M., I�ve already done a buttload of work and can hopefully breeze by my day. The bad news is that I�m here till 6. I don�t want to be here till 6. At 6 I�d like to be home, hopefully in bed watching some TV and relaxing. No suck luck though because as I�ve mentioned before it�s my long hour work week. Oh well, better having this Friday off than not.

Before I run off into tangents I�m going to be ending it here. Later�



p r e v i o u s // n e x t