2002-09-18 | 9:32 p.m.

I'm tired, lonely, and wondering where to turn to next. I'm not usually like this at all. I loathe being clingy to anyone. But lately I feel the need to surround myself with friends and company. What's sad and quite pathetic about this is that cutting myself off from the freakshow of before I am now left with a very bare friends closet. And I hate that. I hate feeling this alone. I hate not being able to go out at night not because of the fund factor but because I actually have one or two people I know and if they can't do anything then I'm left alone. And quite frankly who wants to go out in NYC alone? It's a lonely place already.

It doesn't feel good. Being alone like this. I'm not asking for a pity party. But here's hoping I encounter new wicked cool people soon that you know, find me wicked cool too.

Work was horrible. First I had a crapload of work to do as soon as I got in. I literally sat down on my chair, turned on my comp and 2 guys I work with put in a pile of paperwork to do in my inbox. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and counted to ten so I could ease away the feeling of wanting to scream till my cheeks flushed. Its because I haven't been getting enough sleep. I know this. I get aggravated at everything, like some sort of cranky baby or some shit. But c'mon...having 2 huge piles of work sitting in anyone's inbox would make them want to cry. I got through it all before I left for the day. I refuse to keep work for the next day. I always need to start the day with a clean slate. Here's hoping it won't be that bad tomorrow.

I stopped at Hell & Murder as I was walking home today from work. People are insane there. I'm talking really crazy. Seriously you'd think Hell & Murder is selling crack cocaine or something. I saw two skinny bitches fighting each other over a skirt. A skirt people! Two sales people had to literally break them up. I was dying. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. People totally get bajiggidy in that store. I bought a few things. Didn't go insane, but they were cheap enough that I wasn't breaking the bank.

I'm so tired and I can't seem to relax at all. It's tension from so many stress causing factors. I know this, but my mind still cracks open a window and wants to scream out "hey when the fuck do we get a break?" I know that I sure as hell need one. I hope this weekend I can actually sleep rather than look at my ceiling and think of everything and nothing at the same time.

I've got tentative plans for this Friday. K called during work asking me if I was interested in going to see The Doves. Another S band. Hey it's all good. I told her yes and it looks like it's probable but she needs to check up on shit and will call me tomorrow. Either way it's nice to know that I may or may not go. And next Thursday I heard there will be a party at a Times Square location (since we both work like right next to it) that I've been invited to, that may or may not contain geeky boys. Who knows...maybe things might perk up? I think I deserve it, so I certainly hope it will.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t