2002-09-24 | 9:10 p.m.

I am so royally fucked financially it's not even funny. It's sad and pathetic. I shouldn't be in this much of a mess so young. And yet I am, and I feel so stupendously depressed and angry that I feel like I don't know when I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. I almost wish I had the balls enough to do something like savekaryn.com. But I'm not as manipulative as she is. She fucked up so she should be paying her way out of debt and not begging for money over the internet for it. So here I am completely stuck. I can't ask my parents because they are strapped for cash big time and I am strapped for cash too. I don't know what to do. This results in me crying all the way home and at home. But the tears don't do anything but give me tension headaches because of all the emotions rolling around inside of me. I am broke. I am in debt. And to top it all of it's not like I could loan out some cash from credit cards to help me through this low because I have no credit cards what so ever and no one will give me one even if I begged till I was blue in the face. I used to have a credit card with my dad but he took that away from me because I couldn't handle it. I know I can't. And I am fucked people, MAJORLY fucked. I told myself to buckle down and weather the storm. But I have nothing to buckle down to. It's ridiculous. And I have no idea how I'm going to make it through anymore.

I think this is most likely what keeps me up at night. It's always consuming my thought process. Day, night, it doesn't fucking matter. It's in the back of my head. It always will be till I am debt free. And I know others are way more fucked than I am but I feel seriously sick when I see all my bills. Like I want to vomit repeatedly or just kill myself. It's not cool anymore. I am a worthy person and yet I can't deal with any of this anymore. It's too much for me to handle. I have been trying to eliminate or lessen the amount in great numbers for the past year and a half. And I have barely made a decrease. It's not like I make millions. I scrimp and save. I buy stuff when shit is on sale. I buy stuff now that I know I'll use repeatedly instead of something that's like a luxury buy. It's not like I'm spending mad amounts of bank. I'm not. I'm giving away more money than I make, and yet here I am still screwed. I fear I'll be screwed for life.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t