2002-09-26 | 11:44 p.m.

I don't think I'm ever going to sleep. I tossed and turned for seven nights in a row now. I have to learn how to relax. I feel like I am going to convulse any moment now and just break.

I had another fight/conversation with my father again today when I got back home from work. We've decided to factor in everyday money when it comes to the financial aspect of my woes. I think he saw the fissures of my breakage before I did. Which means that hopefully I will be able to see that light somehow, someday. Still means I have $20 in my wallet and I have no fucking clue when I'll see money again. And that people, that sucks ass. Because it feels like I'm working 8 to 5 everyday and not reaping any benefits from it apart from a paycheck I put into my checking account every week but that I can't touch. And that blows donkey balls. Because yeah I want to pay of my debt.

I know my debt isn't as much compared to everyone else's, but damn it tortures my every waking second. So yeah, I want it cleared. But at what expense? I know my mental state is two clicks away from wiggage. And that ain't cool. Crying every night before trying to sleep but then tossing and turning isn't healthy or good for me. Neither is talking myself out if walking into incoming traffic. It just feels as if I've been on a rollercoaster ride for the past year and a half. I feel like I'm waiting for my karma break but it's never going to happen because I keep swimming up shitcreek without any paddles. And I'm so fed up with feeling this lousy that it's just got to go. This feeling that is. I need to be able to breathe and not feel like the weight of the whole fucking world is on my shoulders anymore. And if I'm not able to do it soon I know I'll shatter eventually.

My head is spinning. I feel delirious. Which means I should go to bed with hopes that sleep will take me.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t