2002-09-30 | 9:11 p.m.

I am becoming what I despise. I realize this. I am learning to expect betrayal from anyone I know. It's sad but true. No longer do I feel like I have an open heart. No longer do I allow others to trample me down and take all of me. There is nothing left that they can take. I have compartmentalized all of my feelings into boxes that I have sealed and stored away. There is no need for me to have to open any of them. Containment of what will never be used. I feel safer now, as if by doing this no one else can fuck me over. I can only hope I'll stay this safe for a while. I have been unsure of myself, confident only that I will sound foolish when the words begin to leave my mouth. I am tired of this now. I want to be me and not have to allow for others to mock or abuse my friendship. It is over. I've abhorred this weakness within me. And now it's over. I'm done feeding it's melodramatic mouth. It is now with ease that comes with knowing I do not have to hide myself anymore that I know I will move on and be me. I don't need large social circles of acceptance, all I need it to be me.

I think that it's just too much to ask from others for open communication and consideration. On paper it's not to much to ask for, in real life it is. I'm trying to not place all of my eggs in one basket anymore. It's a lesson that I've learnt. If it's one thing life has taught me is that you can't count on anybody but yourself and immediate family. So thinking and/or worrying about anyone else is pointless since I can guarantee you that hell will freeze over before someone else stops to think and worry about me. I am tired of always getting disappointed. Not expecting anything from people makes it surprising for when they actually prove their worth. And yes that may sound selfish but it's about time I'm more selfish with myself.

These first 3 or 4 months will be very hard for me financially. But I think after that I may be able to steady myself to a point where I can actually factor in money for myself for whatever. It hurts that these months will be hard but I fucked up. Out of my own ignorance I will now have to pay. Unfortunately there are very few things I will be able to do. Hell who am I kidding? I am limited to going to work and then coming home. Sucks but it's what I have to do to get myself out of this mess. Also bringing meals from home is something I'm going to have to do. Which isn't that bad since I'm going to make sure to cook stuff for myself and actually make my own lunches. Even if I make a sandwich its going to be a sandwich I like and not something my mother is nagging me to make. Fuck that. I mean if I'm in the prison of my own making I'll be damn sure to get some perks out of it. So yeah, it's going to be hard, but I'm a tough cookie. I may cry and crumble but I'm not going to break.

I've also decided that I'm only going to associate with a few people at work. I will be polite as I usually am, but I will not be superficial. I am tired of playing their games. Women put together can be vicious. I don't want to be part of their theatre anymore. I've exited the stage. I will no longer be an ass clown. I am there to do my job, and I do it well, and that is it. I don't need acceptance from them and I don't need their superficial crap. It's nice to be able to see them for who they really are. People who need to get out of each other's business. I can't keep up with their silly productions anymore, so I choose not to.

And that's that.



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